


Where the Sun Sails and the Moon Walks

by Anonymous



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bad Writing, Crack, Gen, Saruman has a crush on Faramir, but to be fair who doesn't, this is just garbage I wrote in like five minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28518243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: In which Gandalf is jealous, palantírs are unaccounted for, and Saruman doesn’t want Denethor spying on him in the shower.
Kudos: 1
Collections: Anonymous





	Where the Sun Sails and the Moon Walks

**Author's Note:**

> hello friendos please enjoy the shittiest thing I've ever written and done literally no editing on

Gandalf glared at Saruman as the white wizard strode across the room. How could his old friend succumb to such arrogance and pride? Also, how did he get a palantír? 

Gandalf was pretty good at deception, so he had little trouble in pretending that one of the reasons he was arguing with the other wizard wasn’t because he was totally jealous that Saruman had a palantír and he didn’t. What was so special about Saruman anyway? Just because his robes were fancier, and he had a castle, and his hair was super sleek doesn’t mean that he deserves a palantír. Besides, he probably went through gallons of conditioner every month, and that’s just tacky.

Telling himself that these thoughts weren’t motivated by his envy that didn’t even exist was easy. He didn’t feel jealousy, so nothing he thought could be attributed to it. They were simply rational points that would occur to any reasonable person.

Trying to not think too hard about that, he kept arguing with Saruman.

“Not all of the palantírs are accounted for. You do not know who may be watching,” he warned ominously.

“What about the ones that _are_ accounted for?” Saruman countered. “Did you know that Denethor has one now? Fucking Denethor! Can you think of _anyone_ creepier?”

Gandalf scoffed, opening his mouth to give an example that would invalidate Saruman’s point, but paused. He thought about it. Then he thought some more. He was sure he could think of someone creepier if he had enough time. Unfortunately for him, Saruman wasn’t patient enough to wait for an example. After thirty seconds of watching Gandalf desperately (and unsuccessfully) wracking his brain, he interrupted.

“You see? Even you can’t think of someone worse!” Saruman gloated. “He is the last person I would want to have a palantír. I don’t want that creepy old geezer spying on me while I’m in the shower! Nothing could possibly be worse than that, so it doesn’t really matter who else has a palantír in their possession.”

“You make a good point,” conceded Gandalf, “but...” he trailed off, wishing he’d planned his rebuttal ahead of time.

“Yes?” Saruman queried politely.

“I just—oh never mind!” Gandalf huffed, irritated.

Saruman said nothing, merely raising a smug eyebrow. Gandalf wanted to punch his stupid face.

Instead, he restrained himself as Saruman continued.

“He should just give it to his son and have him use it instead. That’d be way less creepy.”

“Oh?”

“Plus,” Saruman mused, “I wouldn’t mind _Faramir_ spying on me in the shower.”

**Author's Note:**

> yes yes I know this is terrible I'm sorry


End file.
